Repairing my relationship with money

I'm still dealing with money trauma from my past

In high school, I never had friends come over to my house. I was embarrassed because I lived in a 350 ft studio apartment with my Mum. There was hardly space for the two of us, let alone anyone else. I was afraid of what my classmates would think if they knew I shared a bed with my Mum.

Mind you, I went to high school in Carmel, CA which is arguably one of the wealthiest towns in the country. I knew kids who would drive porsches to school. Kids who had parents who owned multiple homes. Kids who could buy whatever they wanted.

It was such a juxtaposition of how I was living. I had to keep up a facade and try and act like I belonged. In truth, we were struggling very badly financially and I still have trauma around this 15+ years later.

Photo via Unsplash

I want to start by saying that my Mum did everything she could to ensure I had a good life. She always had a figure it out mentality and would ensure I never went without. Even with our money problems, I felt protected, and I’m forever grateful for her.

But growing up this way, left a bit of damage. I had to grow up fast in order to help my Mum with bills and even find housing for us when we were within a day of being homeless. I can still vividly remember sitting in our car in a hotel parking lot while my Mum was trying to find extended stays and I was scrolling on Craigslist looking for any housing I could find. It was tough and as a 16-year-old, I didn’t know how to handle this emotionally. I had to bottle it in because there was no time to reflect, we had to figure shit out. Fortunately, we found something that ended up being a good situation for both of us. The race against the clock, and this time we won.

My Mum was on disability and got government assistance which meant she couldn’t have a normal income otherwise her disability would stop. It was a catch-22 because the disability hardly covered monthly expenses, but she was reliant on that because of her condition. It felt like we were stuck and there was no way through.

Because of this, I started working at 14. I remember my first job paid me under the table because I was too young to be officially working. But, we needed money and I needed to step up to help. I worked weekends, breaks, and all of Summers when I could. After I got my first paycheck, I was addicted to earning. I loved making money and the freedom that it brought. Now don’t get me wrong, I barely made more than $8 an hour (plus tips!), but for the time I felt like I was earning.

My first job working as a busser

This continued throughout high school and my eventual departure to college. I guess you could say a plus side of being low-income is that you can get awarded some grants for attending college, but a big setback is that you also probably need to take out student loans to cover the rest.

And if we know anything about student loans, they can easily be a major struggle point. At this point, I had no financial education so when I got my student loans I felt like this money was just mine. I wasn’t worried about paying it back, I was excited to have money in my account.

Fortunately, I never let it get out of control as I still worked through my college years. I had the same mentality as in high school: if I wanted money, I had to get a job and work for it.

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After school, I got my first “real job” where I was on a salary. Mind you I was probably making $30k a year and living in San Francisco so the money did not go far. But having had prior experience of learning how to penny-pinch and live below my means paid off. I forced myself to cut any expenses that were a want vs. a need and keep enough in my bank account to stay afloat.

But mentally, I struggled a lot with the juxtaposition of finally having a salary job but also not making enough to actually live comfortably. I was working all of these hours, but couldn’t keep up. I rarely let myself eat out, buy coffee, etc. and when I did I would guilt trip myself into thinking I made a big mistake.

Even if you make it past the hard times financially, it still stays with you.

This pattern in my life continues to the present day. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to make more money in my career and have more money in my account than I ever had, but I still worry about it every single day.

This constant worry has also held me back in some life experiences. I talk myself out of going to an event, a trip, etc. because of the money. I look to cut costs wherever I can. I obsess over the numbers in my bank account. I’m worried about a layoff (thanks PTLD). I’m worried about not having enough for retirement. I’m worried about going back to not having enough.

Money trauma has a funny way of sticking with you.

But, I’m also working on having a better relationship with money. I’ve been able to do some things on auto-pilot so that I can take some manual work out for saving, investing, etc. I’m also learning how to enjoy money and view it in an abundance mindset versus scarcity.

I read the book Happy Money by Ken Honda, and one of the great lessons in it is that your happy relationship with money starts with gratitude. Be thankful for how money has served you until now, and try not to be worried about the future. You will get through the way you have gotten along so far.

It’s a work in progress, but I’m slowly healing.

Money can be such a driver in what we do, how we live, etc. but we don’t have to let it control our lives, and I’m reminding myself of this every day.

Thank you for reading,
Max

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