The paradox of 'enough': wrestling with work, worth and rest
Wake, work, eat, sleep, repeat
There's a certain irony in writing this post during my 'downtime' - another project to add to my already full plate. But here I am because sometimes naming a thing helps make sense of it.
The high cost of living and working
Work is demanding.
Working full-time, having a few freelance projects, and other projects like writing content is a lot. To be fair, most of this is on me as well because I feel the need to keep my plate full.
I need to have projects.
I need to have things that occupy my time.
Otherwise, I feel like I am either wasting my time or, worse off, “not doing enough.”
If I had to guess, I would say this is a pretty American problem and also one directly ignited by capitalism and living in a high-cost-of-living environment. I used to think that if you worked full-time in tech, you'd be set. But, I'm finding the opposite to be true.
At any point, I feel that I need to have security, which means having more money. The irony is that the harder and more I work, the less time I have to live and enjoy the things that ultimately bring me happiness.
Money trauma Is real
I have a hard time resting and doing nothing. I know I preach it all of the time, but practicing this is something I have not been able to master. I have a lot on my mind constantly, and working seems to make me feel accomplished and have a sense of purpose.
I’m also scared of not having “enough,” which then translates into me working on extra side projects, etc., because of the fear of coming up empty. I still possess a lot of money trauma from my childhood, and growing up poor is a big part of it.
When two go-getters live together
My wife Celeste works extremely hard, too. She’s running two businesses and staying on top of other life demands. She and I are constantly working, and by the end of the day, we barely have the energy to do anything besides make dinner and couch rot.
Then we get up and the cycle repeats itself.
One thing that I am grateful for is enjoying my work. I do find a lot of joy and purpose in it, and glad that I have been able to discover this on my journey. I want to acknowledge this as I know it’s not the case for everyone.
Honestly, I started writing this post without knowing exactly where it would lead. Maybe that's fitting - there isn't always a neat solution to the complexities of modern work life. What I do know is that I'm tired. I'm tired of the constant pressure to optimize, maximize, and monetize every moment. I'm tired of the voice that whispers "not enough," even when logic says otherwise.
Perhaps naming this exhaustion is the first step to changing it. Or maybe you're reading this and feeling the same way, caught in your own cycle of more-better-faster. If so, consider this a permission slip to breathe. To question. To rest.
Thank you for reading,
Max
You should read 4 Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman (if you haven’t already) he delves into the idea of always working, producing, not “wasting” time in such a meaningful way. I think you’d resonate with it!
Deeply relate here in London so certainly not an American problem, though I agree there’s a certain intensity of city life and capitalism that fosters this way of being. I’ve found that certain transformative life events (brain surgery and becoming a father of two) hadn’t particularly slowed down the tendency either. Unfortunately economic reality is often the underlying drive.